The ulterior motive of mankind to keep going about its vicious mundane life cycle is undoubtedly the propagation of its species. As simple as it may sound, it is practically impossible for any one of us to keep going at it without ever having been tempted to give up at least once. The means we resort to, to help us live our materialistic existence has ironically nothing materialistic about it; at least not in its literal sense. I am talking about God. By God i mean the superior omnipotent presence that purportedly has a hold on our lives.
Having been born and brought up in a relatively liberal (there is a lot of relativity associated with this liberty, if you know what i mean) Hindu family, i always took it for granted that i had a greater power to back me up, someone who could help me find my lost drawer key, someone who could miraculously save me from flunking a class test, someone who could incredibly make my brother take responsibility for some mischief i had done. Whatever. I was stupid and naive. I was young. All this family-induced-religiosity put aside, there is the more interesting schooling-influenced-sainthood.
I don't know how it came to be, but every major street has a school and unmistakably every nine out of ten are Christian. At least in the city where i grew up. I honestly have nothing against evangelists, at least not then. no, i didn't. You tend to be open to all kinds of theological ideas when you are young, especially when your family is 'relatively liberal'. I could go on to vividly describe the happenings in such schools but it would only end up to look like extensive mockery. Though i wouldn't launch into it, i really have to mention a few details. I used to have classes on moral science that were no different from sunday school that christian kids had in their churches. And we would be sermoned at length about Christ and his disciples and anecdotes that no one ever seemed to run out of. As i said,i was young and naive and 'open minded'. I came to renounce my own religion and firmly believe that christ was my personal saviour and that i wouldn't end up in hell if i held on to him. I have some choice words for anyone who has the effrontery to tell that to me now. I spent most of my teenage years happily believing this. My level of stupidity then amazes me now.(this is not to offend any of the believers - you have the right to your faith).
All those christ-glorifying-years passed by. and then the change came. I am not sure what triggered it. Maybe it was the versatile environment i was exposed to or the the innumerable faiths i came across. I just stopped believing that there was someone who was judging me and rewarding me and punishing me just because he/she (LOL) gave me the sixth sense and put me in this 'wonderful world' they had created. It just couldn't be true. And i was so damn proud of my sudden renouncement of faith. Not proud enough to flaunt it of course. Our society is one that would look upon atheism the same way it would scorn at homosexuality. (Not that i think homosexuality deserves to be labelled a perversion. Thats not my point here).It is with abundant convenience that they presume an atheist is bound to be devoid of moral fiber.They naturally confuse spiritual soundness with religious indulgence.
This newly found faith (or the lack of it) kept me going for two full years. I was so glad i had finally 'grown up'. Well, life, evidently isn't exactly the bed of roses you want it to be. You go through a series of distasteful experiences, exasperating defeats and lose a loved one, you are back to ground zero, questioning all your theories that have evolved over time. I had long ago decided that it was impossible to discern if some supernatural power existed and had reverted to being agnostic. And again, i was proud of my self derived faith (or again, the lack of it). But once stripped naked of comfort and hope and all that is left is despair, we only frantically grope about in darkness trying to find that life line back to normalcy or somewhere near it. Even then,it didn't occur to me that god might be a way out. It was during one of those long nights that stretch and spawn and thrive over insomnia did i inadvertently discover the solution to my miserable life. And it was, surprisingly enough, prayer.
The irony is i didn't even believe there was someone up above but still praying to him comforted me (did i just categorize god as being male? lol). I was stumped. I could not get over the fact that i had only 'rediscovered' for myself something mankind had been clinging on to for years. And unmistakably i was heading toward prayer exclusive of god or religion or any of those conventional tags. I haven't had any encounters with prayer since that night (and that was months ago), but the self realization has not evaporated. Man did not create god just so he could revel in comfort that he had back up. Since it is scary to assume that we are all by ourselves in this wild world, it would not hurt to believe we have something to fall back on, that someone is watching over us to lend a helping hand when we need it. And that is what we created, some extensive sense of order. This truth became distorted over the many centuries just like many other figments of reality. Add up religion, rituals and polytheism, we derive something that has lost all of its original purpose and meaning. By sense of order maybe i am arriving at karma unawarely. But karma, again, is a flexible term. We decide it exists when things happen and complain over its non existence then things do not.
Now, call it anything, a mythical creature or a fantasy figure or even an imaginary friend (this version fits best), but its existence or rather, our belief of its existence can only push us closer toward achieving peace of mind. and that, my friend, is our ultimate goal in our frivolous existence. I am no theologist. Maybe this whole blog reeks of hypocrisy and contradiction. But, honestly, i don't care. It does not hurt to be hypocritical when there is no liability involved. I still think there isn't the least probability to find out if Mr.G exists but i also know that it would not hurt me to believe he does. So, i am flexibly alternating between agnosticism and religion-less-god-whose-very-existence-is-dubious. Since this whole piece is by an unconventional non-believer, i am aware how offensive those in faith would find it. But, just the way you do, i also, am entitled to my non-belief.
